Tuesday, May 27, 2008

selfpityupsetfrownpissedselfpityupsetfrownpissed
selfpityupsetfrownpissedselfpityupsetfrownpissed
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selfpityupsetfrownpissedselfpityupsetfrownpissed
selfpityupsetfrownpissedselfpityupsetfrownpissed
selfpityupsetfrownpissedselfpityupsetfrownpissed
selfpityupsetfrownpissedselfpityupsetfrownpissed
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selfpityupsetfrownpissedselfpityupsetfrownpissed
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selfpityupsetfrownpissedselfpityupsetfrownpissed
selfpityupsetfrownpissedselfpityupsetfrownpissed

was talking with trustie
until said smth.
i pissed off.
i hung up the phone in a fit of anger.
idk why.
whats wrong with you
i promised to always smile.
did i?
i tried,i really tried.
zihighzihigh,
smtimes its just so difficult.
i admit i'm very stressed becos of outreach.
i'm not those type tht can do outreach.
i cantcant.
disappointed i am with you,
just as other ppl are.
i know mummy is.
shes trying to take note of my feelings now.
i can tell.
thankthankyou.
i could tell your disappointment
when you saw my results.
you tried to encourage me.
but i know i've let you down,
idk why,
i reallyreallyreally want
to be happy&jubilant everyday.
somehow,things just..
i dont want to sink into selfpity.
i know i need God alot,
but i dont seem welldeserved
to go to him for help.
esp when i always neglect him.
i try to cheer ppl up,
i know arent helping with my bullshits.
i'm sorry,
from now on,
i shld just mind my own business.
anyway,
in what position am i fit to
i missed all my girlfriends.
my gaybestie,
so long nvr talk le.if we'd talk.
also just like normal friends.
who just got to know each other.
i miss you,
your comforts,someone i can jiang dao li with.
i guess studies.
different cliques,
i dont have time for you.
i've neglected you so much.
sorry,
for promising you to have a friendship
tht will last.
but it broke,
i'm sorry,i've let you down.
the times we've spent were awesome.

shaojun,katherine,lijuan,
i miss you all.
the holidays are going to tear us apart.
i'm sorry,
i didnt spend time with you all.
we are drifting.
maybe i'm just overlysensitive.
i miss the goodtimes we had.
the laughs,zihigh.
i guess as time passes,
things changes.
i only have myself to blame.
for being such a poorfriend.
if it'd make you all more comfortable,
i wont mind staying faraway
i'm sorry everyone.

joelle,
i'm sorry if i've judged you.
i'm very sorry,
i'm not fit to say anything about you.
i'm not perfect,eyt i say you.
i'm sorry,
i guess i just jump into conclusions.
i dont know you well,
dont understand you well enoguh.
dontknow what your problems.
the high expectations your family has of you.
sorry,
in any other way,
you may not hate me or dislike me.
but i do.
becos i was part of the reason,
you ended up like this
with your bestfriend.
sorry.

the rain expresses how i feel.
becos of me,
i caused ppl's moods to change.
sorry,
over here.i say all these.
overthere,
i myself not doing them.
i want so much to change
and be a better person.
but i cant.icant.
how i wish,
to stand under the rain.
and just let go of everything.
everytime,i'm sad.
i'd tell myself positive.
"vivian,be happy.
at least you wouldnt spoil ppl's moods.
you'd have a better chance of
cheering ppl up.
dont be a selfish fool,selfcentred.
you've received so much,
its time to give.."
everytime talk to trustie halfway,
i'd cry,
idk why,i hate it.
i want to love my life,
i miss my girlfriends,
words mummy said,
is to agitate me to do better.
but i just cant take it at times.
it hurts so much.
for years,i thot i'd get immune.
whenever i think how shitty my life is,
i think of ppl
far worst.
i'm born physically well and all.
why am i complaining and all?
i live in a house,
where there is shelter.
i dont live in a broken family.
i have friends who care for me.
but my existence here,
have caused problems to many ppl.
making them worry,
upset,promising thme wont drift.
in the end,
still do.
so whats the meaning of
promise anyways?
i hate my attitude,behaviour
~~selfpityselfpity~~
i dontwantidontwant.
i'm suppose to be the happyhappy one.
the one to cheerppl up.
i miss my friends,
dear God,
thank you for letting me know
elvin.
you've always been there for me.
when i'm sad,you sad with me.
but becos of my existence in your life,
i am a bigbig problem.
you maybe dont mind,
or deny me being the root of almost
all your problems with your friends.
but i am alright,
you know it,i know it.
so dont run away from it.
i bring you more pain than joy.
i'm not tht much of a goodfriend.
when i need help,
you're there for me.
at least there for me to vent anger on.
you're like alwasy free,
for me to talk to.
thankyou,sorry si all i can say.
i know you've changed so much
for me.
you try dont say vulgar so much.
i know its been hard.
and you got teased by your friends
but you controlled and tried.
thankyou.sorry.

selwin.
you're a supersuperperson.
always with elvin to pei me.
you're too kind.
smtiems so much so,
jsut like i feel towards elvin.
i dont deserve to have friends like you 2
sorry,
i dont solve your problems.
only come up with those bullshits,
i'm sorry,
i'd prob always made you worst thn ever.
you're reallyreally nice.
you're smilar to me.
someone i can look at.
reflection.
you're really nice.
always must take in my nonsense.
thankyou.sorry.

a once opened door,
has now been shut closely.
becos what lies behind the door.
are just emptypromises,
smtimes,just dont wish to trust anyone.
or open up to anyone anymore.
i dont like being alone with someone.
where i have to talk.
question:"so,how's life?"
replies:"fine"
question:"whats fine?"
replies:"fine loh,happy(smilesmile)
question:'"you sure?.."
always like this,
i'm sick of doing this.
smtimes just wish,
i'd have a supersuperduper clsoe twin.
i can confide in.
a girlfriend i can go out
talk to openly.
at least i can openly go out.
without being afraid of being seen.
a clsoeclsoe girlfriend.
i can talk to 247.
call her,when i'm sad.
she will understand me.
wont find my attitude irritating.
someone just like me.
i can laugh.cry. with.
at least thats my wish.
before i die,
to find someone like that.
i hate doing this,
selfpity shit.
find someone i can iceskate/rb/swim
together.
everything also do together.
walkwalktalktalk together.
share weal&woe together.
15 years of my life,
nvr have i found anyone like this,
even if i'd
i'd lose them.
becos of my attittude or stuckup.
well,maybe i really dont deserve.
to make mummy
think tht i'm oddweird.
and feel sorry.
means i'm really hopeless.
i just need someone i can run to.
how i miss
running into mummydaddy's arms
and cry whenever i have prob.
having a complex mind.
arent good at all.
with a supermind,
rememebrs almsot everything
tht happen from childhood.
isnt good at all.
smilesmilesmile,
you can do it:]
tml's gonna be a better day.

need a hug from you.
a smile from you.
words of comfort from you.
understanding from you.
shoulder from you to cry on.
a walk with you.
you to look up to.
you to laugh with.
where are you?
do such a person even exist?
even if there are claims,
i'd nvr bring myself to believe
anymore.
either i cant be there for you
or you cant.
because i have my difficulties.

forget it,smilesmile.vivian:]
you dont deserve anything at all
you dont need pity,
you just need to express.
you dont need sympathy

(4:35 PM)